The Consequences of Idiocy
by Miss Yrbantisba
Summary: Gilderoy comes back for sixth year...he has to live with Snape...and whats this about Uncle Vlad and a drunken Severus?...Please R&R. Somewhat long one-shot humor fic...


**Title:** The Consequences of Idiocy  
**Author name:** NiqueSnape  
**Rating:** PG for some of the language  
**Summary:** Gilderoy comes back for sixth year...he has to live with Snape...and whats this about Uncle Vlad and a drunken Severus?...  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Severus (One of the many places in my life were I have failed...) nor do I own any of the other charcters depicted in this story...They all belong to the lovely, gorgeous, wonderful Ms.Rowling! I also use one Rickman line from Galaxy Quest, but this is probably only apparent to my fellow Rickmaniacs...  
**Author notes:** Please R&R...Do it for those of us who are haunted by plot bunnies and have angry muses poking us in the ribs at 2am...Thank You!

Severus leaned back in his chair and let a long, heavy sigh. He had just finished grading the last essay for Potions finals. Which meant it was only one week until those little brats went home, and the castle would be quiet. Gloriously quiet. He laid his head back & closed his eyes. He even let a smirk, a small smile if you will, play across his face.

"Severus, wake up, " he heard the singsong voice call from what seemed a great distance and stirred. He awoke only to see Albus Dumbledore hovering above him, lemon drops on his breath. Normally, Severus would describe Albus as an interfering, lemon drop addicted old coot with a twinkle in his eye due to too much Firewhiskey, but today nothing could get him down.

"Staff meeting at 8:00, my office, just thought you should know, "said Dumbledore informatively.

"Thanks Albus, I'll be there, with a large bottle of brandy, needless to say!" said Severus, a bit to merrily, he thought.

"Ah, Severus, excellent!" said Dumbledore. who loved a good bottle of brandy almost as much as his lemon drops. He stepped into the fire and in an instance of emerald flames, was gone.

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Severus arrived at Dumbledore's office around 10 to 8, hoping to score his favorite chintz armchair by the fire. He was also carrying a large bottle of brandy, a quarter empty, as he had already imbibed a glass himself.

"Chocolate Frogs," said Snape to the gargoyle, and he jumped aside to let him pass. As he made his way up the winding staircase, he heard Dumbledore talking to someone. _Perhaps I'm not the only one who arrived early_, he thought to himself.

But when Severus entered that room, he promptly dropped the bottle of brandy to the floor and pinched his upper thigh with extreme force. And it hurt. Which meant it was real! It wasn't some twisted, horrible nightmare!

Gilderoy Lockhart stood there in front of him, clad in his favorite lavender robes and smiling that infuriating smile.

"Hello there, Severus! Did you miss me? Oh, what a ridiculous question. Of course you did!" said Lockhart. Severus then gave Lockhart a foul, icy glare he usually reserved only for Gryffindors and Marauders.

"What is **he** doing here!" spat Snape, "I thought that bloody imbecile cursed himself into oblivion!"

"Reparo!" said Dumbledore, and the bottle of brandy immediately repaired itself and Dumbledore swept it off the floor. "Let's wait until the entire staff is assembled and then we'll talk about it," said Albus with an infuriating sense of calm. "In the meantime, let's have us a nice glass of brandy, shall we?"

"That sounds excellent, Albus!" said a still smiling Lockhart.

Snape just stood there, still in shock, and with absolutely no hint he'd been in such a good mood just moments before. _If he is coming back to teach again, I will personally see to it that he stays away from me this time_, he thought with malice, sitting down and musing half-drunkenly over all the useful curses he knew.

By 8 o' clock the entire staffs was assembled and, by the looks of it, were just as puzzled as to why Lockhart and his memory were back at Hogwarts.

"Before we start the meeting, would anyone like a lemon drop?" asked Albus.

"No," replied the entire staff in unison, without hesitation or second thoughts.

"All right, then, let's get down to business. I'm sure your all wondering why we have a special guest present at our meeting this evening. As you all remember, Gilderoy had an unfortunate accident 4 years ago and was sent off to St. Mungos for treatment. But fate has given Gilderoy a second chance at Hogwarts. The other day, while taking a walk, he fell down many, many, many, many flights of stairs and his memory returned to him, fully operational. As fate would also have it, our Charms teacher, Professor Flitwick, is retiring this year. Professor Lockhart was the one who returned my ad in the _Daily Prophet_ and hence his presence here today."

The entire staff looked as though they'd all been Petrified. One finally spoke up.

"So he'll be staying here all summer? And then teaching the following year?" inquired Severus, hardly wanting to believe it.

"Yes, Severus, correct...although there is another slight problem" continued Dumbledore, a snag of apprehension in his voice, "Professor Flitwick is staying over this summer as well, and Professor Lockhart requires sleeping arrangements."

There was a stunned silence and then a brisk female voice with a Scottish accent piped up, "Youngest member of the staff bunks him!" she cried quickly.

"What! You horrible old woman you! That is **not** f-"

"Mind your cheek, Mr.Snape, or it'll be 5 points from Slytherin!" McGonagall interrupted.

"Yes, ma'am...,"replied Severus, in the voice of a scolded child. "Hey, wait a second!"

"No take backs!" said McGonagall, as she and Sprout exchanged high fives and hushed laughs.

Severus just scowled, for what could he do? He was stuck with Gilderoy Lockhart for two whole months. So much for gloriously quiet...

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After the meeting let out, Snape made his way towards the dungeons, accompanied by none other than Lockhart. Snape didn't understand why he just couldn't shut up about himself.

"You get to bunk with Gilderoy Lockhart for two whole months! Now, there's something to tell your grandchildren! I'll bet you're really excited!"

"Oh, yes, be still my tender heart..." said Snape with a bitter sarcasm. The sarcasm seemed to fly right over Lockhart's perfect golden curls, though...

"That's the spirit, Sev, old chap!"

"**Don't** call me 'Sev'."

"How about 'Sevvie'?"

"How about _not_..."

The debate ceased once they reached the door leading to Severus, and now Gilderoy's, quarters. "Hellebore," said Snape to the door and it opened immediately.

"You will tell **no one** the password, am I clear?"

"Yes, Sev...erus," added Lockhart hastily.

Severus pointed his wand at the cold, empty hearth and a roaring fire ignited.

"Follow me."

Severus took him to his rooms and told him the ground-rules.

"If you at any time enter my room, I shall resort to Avada Kedavra without apprehension. I am a man with a price on his head and my own life to protect. I take most of my meals in the privacy of my quarters; I suggest you dine in the Great Hall. And lastly, if you ever, **ever** step foot in my beloved potions lab, whether I'm in it or not, you shall be _sorry_." The last words were just above a whisper, but left just as hard an impression as their predecessors.

"You'll have your own bathroom, of course. It adjoins to your room. I do believe Dumbledore has already had your luggage sent up. You've already been through the sitting room. You'll find I hardly ever use it unless it's in passing, so feel free to use it to...gaze at your reflection or whatever it is that you do. So...any inquiries?" Severus concluded.

"I'm sorry, Severus. What was that?" Gilderoy had apparently caught his reflection in the glossed wood table at which they were sitting.

_Why me? Minerva & I are Albus' closest advisors! The one thing he doesn't consult us on! How amusing..._ Severus thought, with little or no conviction.

"Nothing, Gilderoy. You know, it's been a long day and I have a potion on the brew I must attend to, so I'm going to have to excuse myself...," and without waiting for an answer, he stalked off to his storeroom in search of his most potent migraine cure. "It's going to be a long two months," he said, before gulping down the entire vile.

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Severus laid down for what would surely be a dreamless sleep. It always was, due to his master Occulemency, but sleep was the most relaxing part of his day nonetheless.

He was sinking into the blackness. The abysmal color seemed to be swallowing him, enveloping him with sleep. Then he heard it. "Severus!" It was a high, girlish scream. He instinctively tried to push it from his mind, but it kept calling, louder and louder. "Severus! Severus! Help!"

He awoke with a start. He grabbed his wand, stowed on the bedside table and sat up.

"Who's there?" he cried into the darkness, using his most menacing voice.

"It's me, Gilderoy! I need your help, but you said not to come in your room...Please, come quick!" pleaded Gilderoy.

"Oh, good Lord," cursed Snape under his breath.

Nevertheless, he begrudgingly pulled on his robe and stalked off, with his sneer firmly in place.

"What is it, Gilderoy?" said Severus when he arrived in Lockhart's bedroom. Pictures of Lockhart beamed down at him from every angle, and on occasion winked or gave a hearty laugh.

"In the bathroom, Severus, this way..." said Lockhart, ushering him towards the bathroom door.

"You see, I was in here, looking in the mirror, when _that_ suddenly crawled in..." said Gilderoy, pointing to the corner of the room, roundabouts of the shower.

When Severus looked that way, he felt a sudden urge to cast an Unforgivable on the man behind him.

"Gilderoy, please don't tell me that you called me in here for a spider..." said Snape, spitting the last word with disgust.

_"Avada Kedavra!" _Severus cried very suddenly. Gilderoy cringed, a jet of green light issued from Severus' wand and when all was said and done, Snape had to physically pick Lockhart up out of the corner, where he was whimpering in the fetal position.

"The spider, Gilderoy!" stated Snape impatiently.

"W-what? Oh, yes, of course...the spider..."

"I couldn't very well squash the damn thing, now could I? I'd be no good for my Potions...Now, if you don't mind, I'm taking this," he said, holding up the spider, "to my lab and then going back to bed..."

"Yes, of course, you do that..." said a very pale Lockhart to Snape's retreating back.

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It had been two weeks since the spider incident. Gilderoy had apparently told Minerva he was just giving Severus a chance to 'act the hero'. When she shared this with Severus, they both laughed. Severus had laughed until he was blue in the face, which is quite a rare occurrence for Severus Snape.

Here he was, in his lab. This is where he felt most comfortable. At home. This is where he knew he had absolutely no faults. Since he felt so comfortable here, he would often roll up his sleeves to work, which he did around absolutely **no one** but himself. For obvious reasons.

At the moment, he was working on a batch of Strengthening Solution for Madame Pomfrey. He was deeply engrossed int his complicated potion. When, from out of nowhere...

"Hello there, Severus!"

The suddenness of this statement made him jump. He slammed down the knife with which he was chopping his salamander.

"Godamnit, Gilderoy! What?" he said, without turning around.

"Oh, nothing. Just felt like a chat, I suppose."

"Oh, goody..." Severus said sarcastically, returning to his work.

"So, what are you working on?"

"A Strengthening Solution. A very complicated potion your feeble mind couldn't possibly begin to comprehend."

"Ah, very nice indeed...," said Lockhart, the insult apparently to subtle.

There was a long silence in which the only audible sounds were Severus' knife against his cutting board. Then...

"How old were you when you got that tattoo?"

"Lockhart, I don't have a tattoo...," said Snape distractedly. He was concentrating on adding the precise amount of salamander blood to his concoction.

"Oh yeah? Then what's that on your arm?" declared Gilderoy triumphantly.

Snape then came out of his trance with realization. "You are a complete _imbecile_! Are you telling me you have no clue as to what this is!" he said, brandishing the Dark Mark in Lockhart's face.

"I'll have to go with _no_..."

"Well, then, it's a tattoo...," mumbled Snape, relieved he didn't have to explain himself.

"Aha, I knew it! Gilderoy Lockhart never misses a trick! So, how old were you?"

"Seventeen..." answered Snape dully.

"Was it painful?"

"Excruciating, actually...," said Severus thoughtfully and truthfully.

"Do you regret it?"

"With every fiber of my being...," Snape said, more to himself that Lockhart.

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Severus Snape stood at his kitchen counter. He poured himself a cup of coffee and at the moment was listening to Gilderoy Lockhart make an ass out of himself.

You see, it was Severus' turn to host the monthly staff meeting. The entire staff was assembled in his quarters. Ew. The one thing he hated most: Company.

So, Gilderoy was telling the staff about another one of his 'adventures'. This time, he was dueling a hungry vampire with nothing but a butter churn and some dental floss.

"Hey, Severus"

"What?" replied Snape in a bored tone.

"Remember last time I was here, when we started that dueling club?"

Snape let himself enjoy a grin of both satisfaction and malice before turning around.

"Yes, I remember perfectly Gilderoy," he said with a sneer, "you suffered a concussion and I broke your 4th and 5th spinal vertabrae." He sipped some of his black coffee. Life was good.

"Yes, Severus. But the purpose of that club was to acquaint the students and you, of course, with the Dark Arts...Although, I would be very surprised if your knowledge of the Dark Arts could ever rival mine."

At this statement, the entire staff made a grunt of surprise and laughter which turned into various sneezes and coughs. Although, Professor McGonagall seemed fit to burst in suppressed giggles. Severus decided to play along.

"Oh, yes Gilderoy. I doubt my knowledge of the Dark Arts could ever even be in the same league as yours," replied Severus, his voice dripping in sarcasm. Though it was a sarcasm Lockhart was deaf to.

"Well...You said it, not me..." he said, grinning.

"Lockhart, I'm curious...did you ever tell any of the staff about my _tattoo_?"

"Actually, Severus, I didn't. But that _would_ make a great story, now wouldn't it?"

And he told them. By this time, the staff wasn't even bothering to try and contain their laughter. As a matter of fact, they were positively _howling_ with it. Albus was crying. Flitwick had already excused himself to use the loo and Severus was on the floor, clutching his sides and willing himself to stop.

Gilderoy, however, was looking around, that stupid, toothy smile plastered on his face.

"I didn't think it was that funny myself..." he muttered to himself.

Albus called above the din, through his tears, "I think this calls for some drinks. Let's all head down to see Madame Rosmerta, shall we?"

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It took about 5 minutes to meet up at the Three Broomsticks. It should have only taken a few minutes, but Gilderoy accidentally Apparated right up Knockturn Alley. Of course, they sent Severus after him. Apparently, they didn't care if he murdered Lockhart out of anger and frustration on the way back.

When all were finally present, they chose a secluded booth in the corner of the pub. It was secluded, because they didn't much fancy former students wanting a chat when they were trying to drink away the pain. Unsettling, that. Albus ordered all the drinks, since he already knew what everyone wanted (the perks of being a Legilimens).

"I'll have a large glass of brandy. Minerva will take a gin & tonic. Severus would like a Remy Martin and Sibyll, a sherry. Gilderoy would like a cosmopolitan and Professor Flitwick fancies a Firewhiskey." stated Dumbledore, with ease. "And seven shots of Jose Cuervo for the table."

"And Hagrid, the usual I presume?" asked Madame Rosmerta of the half-giant.

"Yes, Madame. Jus' a tankard o' mulled mead fer me," he replied.

Madame Rosmerta left to go fill the drink orders. Severus was just staring at Gilderoy and broke into a disgusted sneer.

"A cosmo, Lockhart?" he said tauntingly.

"No, Albus must have read my mind wrong..."said Lockhart, suddenly finding his feet very interesting.

"Ah, but you see, Gilderoy," Dumbledore has spoken up, "being such a skilled Legilimens as I, I can confidently say that number 1)you were undoubtedly craving a cosmopolitan and 2)you don't truly believe what you just said. And if I'm not mistaken, a moment ago, you were wondering whether Severus has ever considered a skincare regime," Albus finished with a smile and the twinkle in his eye more pronounced than ever.

Severus, his sneer furthering, glared at Gilderoy across the table, who was blushing. Severus opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted by the arrival of their drinks.

"Sit down and have a drink with us, Madame!" Dumbledore invited merrily.

"Afraid I can't, Professor. I have a pub to run! But I thank you nonetheless." she declined kindly and walked towards the bar.

Severus found himself musing over her absolute beauty, but the thought quickly dissolved into nothingness. He looked up at Albus, who gave him a smile and a wink, but said nothing. Snape flushed silently.

"Shall we take our shots together?" suggested Minerva, who sat beside Albus.

"Let us," said Professor Trelawney hastily. She was eyeing her sherry with longing.

"Well," said Dumbledore, raising his shot high in the air, "this is to Gilderoy, for allowing us to laugh as we hadn't in years."

And even Severus joined in the chorus of 'To Gilderoy' that rang around the booth, before downing his shot of tequila. It burned, but only for a second, and then floated over his tongue and down his throat like a cloud. He could be very poetic when he was full of tequila.

He lowered his glass and looked around the booth. His colleagues were already engrossed in conversation with one another. Sibyll was talking to Hagrid. _No doubt predicting his early demise_, thought Severus haughtily. Gilderoy was talking to Flitwick, although Flitwick didn't seem to be doing much listening, understandably, of course. And lastly, Albus and Minerva were having a rather animated conversation in the corner of the booth.

Severus was always wondering why they didn't just tie the knot, before Albus got so old he broke in half. It was so obvious they loved one another. Maybe you had to take a vow of celibacy to become the greatest wizard living. _Hmmmm...doubt it...I mean that twinkle has got to come from somewhere...Sweet Jesus! Bad thoughts...bad thoughts! Its OK...its alright...Thank God for Occulemency..._

Anyways, _Hey wait!_ Severus...its narrator time, OK! I don't want to have this conversation again! _Oh, right, its always about you isn't it?_

Back to the story...

Then there was Severus. He was always the odd one out. Not that he was complaining. He wasn't much of a talker, per se. He just sat back and sipped his Remy Martin. Observing human nature. Whenever his glass got empty, it automatically refilled itself. Again, and again...

An hour and 15 minutes later...

"Gilderoy," said Severus, slurring his words slightly.

"Good Lord, here he goes again..." observed Minerva exasperatedly.

"What? What's going on?" asked Lockhart, a note of panic evident in his voice.

"Ah, you've never been drinking with Severus before, have you Gilderoy?" inquired Albus, as Gilderoy shook his head."Allow me to explain," he continued, "whenever Severus gets **extremely** inebriated, it is as effective as a swallow of Veritaserum. He will tell you what he thinks of you whether you want to hear it or not."

"As I was saying," continued Severus impatiently, in the voice of someone who was so rudely interrupted, although slurring to much to be taken seriously, "Gilderoy, you are such a self-centered bastard! How do you live with yourself! And you keep on lying about those adventures! Potter told everyone about your confession, you bloody egotistical moron!

"And Hagrid...your big...Your a good guy, just as well. You ruddy cooking could use some work though. And that bit about getting expelled, I'm sorry mate, really I am. Bloody bastard, Tom Riddle, ain't he?" Severus finished with a giggle and a drunken hiccup.

He then turned his attention towards Minerva McGonagall. He found she wore her stern 'don't go there' face. Severus wore his look of drunken fear. "Ah, Professor, after 7 years of schooling and 14 years of work together, I've learned to hold my tongue, even if I am a drunken fool...But do me a favor...propose marriage to that ruddy old bastard, will you?" he turned to abruptly to notice her reaction.

He turned the opposite way and managed to focus on Trelawney, an amazing feat considering how much his head was wobbling.

"And Sibyll. You are a complete fraud! You've made two correct prophecies in your lifetime. Bloody two! Give.It.Up. Trust me, your much more enjoyable when you don't try and be all misty or whatever the bloody hell that is. Remember when you said I would die old and alone? Hah! Anyone could have made that prediction, I'm a bloody hardass. What did you expect!"

"Not to mention he can become quite the cheeky bastard when he's drunk," Dumbledore said pointedly to Lockhart.

"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, turning to the half-giant," will you do the honors?"

"Like always, Professor, o' course," he replied, putting down his tankard.

He abruptly stood up and threw Severus, who was in the middle of reminding Flitwick just _how_ short he _really_ was, over his shoulder.

"Hey, what the ruddy hell is this? Oh, well at least I don't have to try and Apparate home. You know what they say, don't drink and Apparate! My Uncle Vlad, he once got drunk and Apparated all the way to Transylvania and we never saw him again. Made me cry, that did. He was a good man..." rambled Severus, unnerving the narrator with his story of Uncle Vlad...

As they exited the pub, Severus called over Hagrid's shoulder, "Madame Rosmerta, I'm in love with you! Like head over bloody heels kind of love!" he continued on, but wasn't heard as they continued down the road towards Hogwarts.

"He's just grown fond of the drink this particular night, you know how it is..." Dumbledore said to Madame Rosmerta, saving Severus' ass for the third time this month.

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The rest of the staff decided to walk back to the castle with Hagrid and Snape. They were like Severus' entourage. Sure, he was slung over the shoulder of a giant, but he looked fly, to say the least.

When they arrived at the castle, Dumbledore gave Lockhart specific instructions. He was to take Snape to their quarters, go into his storeroom and find a sobering potion. If Severus didn't just sober up and then fall straight asleep, he should Floo to Dumbledore's office immediately, for protection.

Severus could be a mean drunk, but he was meaner sober...As Lockhart soon found out.

"Come, Severus, walk this way," cooed Lockhart, as if Severus were a child and not a drunken adult.

"I don't want to walk like you, you walk like a bloody pansy!" yelled Severus into Gilderoy's face.

"No, I meant in this direc"

"Shutuuuup! I know what you bloody well meant...I'm not _that_ intoxicated!" Snape interrupted as he stumbled over his own robes, indicating that yes, he was _that_ intoxicated...

When they arrived at the entrance to their quarters, Gilderoy said the password and walked in, followed by Severus, who was...well..._lagging behind_ a bit...

Lockhart went off to the storeroom to find the sobering potion. "Sobering potion...sobering potion," he mumbled to himself, as he rifled through the many vials of potion that lined the shelves. "Aha! Sobering potion!" he said to himself triumphantly, when he pinned the correct vial.

"Here, Severus, drink this," said Lockhart, handing Snape the vial.

"What is it?" asked the Potions master.

"Oh, just a bit of Firewhiskey..."

"Like I always say, there's always room for one more! Actually, I don't always say that, but I think I should say it more often..." he mused out loud, before downing the vial. He immediately collapsed into the armchair behind him, where Gilderoy decided to leave him for tonight.

Feeling rather pleased with himself, Lockhart prepared for bed.

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"GILDEROY!" the loud, booming voice seemed to be coming from the sitting area. Startled, Lockhart jerked upwards and decided to go inspect the source of the scariness.

When he walked into the sitting room, he saw the usually jovial figure of Professor Dumbledore standing over Snape. He was accompanyed by Minerva.

"Lockhart! You are a completely useless excuse for a wizard! How could you have done this? He is _asleep_!" yelled Dumbledore loudly. This startled Gilderoy;he had never been reprimanded by Dumbledore before.

"B-but I thought thats what he was supposed to do!" stammered Lockhart in response.

"_After_ he sobered up...don't you listen? Do you know what this man has ingested? Some call it _The Draught of the Living Dead_...maybe you've heard of it?" asked the graying wizard sarcastically.

Lockhart just stood, shocked. He then let out a little squeak of an "Oops..."

"You'd better hope Severus has made an antidote. There isn't many wizards who can and he is one of them!" stated the Headmaster with dread.

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Well, it turns out Severus did have an antidote. And when he woke up, not only was he sober, but he was furious. How inevitable...

So after Lockhart was put into a full body bind and locked in the broom closet, Albus, Minerva and Severus all settled around the fire to have a nice brandy...It was going to be a wonderful school year...


End file.
